Kristine鈥檚 Story: My Thoughts Were No Longer Contained
I鈥檝e been coping with depression and suicidal depression since before my college days. Over the years I鈥檝e done the depression medication. I鈥檝e done the anxiety medication. I鈥檝e done all these things. But it wasn鈥檛 until my 21-year-old son began battling suicidal depression that I realized I was mirroring him with my own feelings, and I was returning to a familiar mindset of not wanting to leave my bed in the mornings.
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Interestingly, it was because of my son that I became aware of ketamine-assisted therapy. After researching clinics online, 51爆料 Health stuck out to me for several reasons. The New York clinic didn鈥檛 feel clinical, and it had a retreat-like vibe to it that really resonated with me. And after reading about how others who have taken the 51爆料 journey felt creatively 鈥渦nlocked,鈥 I knew it was something I wanted to try. The idea of unlocking creative juices and being able to create鈥攚hether through writing, art or music鈥攚as appealing. I thought, 鈥榤aybe I鈥檒l actually want to play violin again or eventually write and finish a book.鈥
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By the time I went to my first session I was dealing with intense feelings, especially since I was uncertain what to expect from the actual treatment, having never done any kind of psychedelics before. But I went in there thinking I was going to feel better, and acknowledging that I was done with feeling so scared and sad and depressed all the time.
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The fact that the staff was so warm and professional definitely helped. They explained everything step-by-step, with full disclosure from the beginning. The process itself was inviting as well, thanks to items like weighted blankets, headphones, eye shades and a 鈥渟tate of the art鈥 reclining chair. By the time they were telling me, 鈥淗ave a nice trip鈥 it was like I had just been strapped into a scary roller coaster ride I鈥檇 never been on before. I thought, 鈥淭hat鈥檚 it鈥 here we go鈥︹
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At first I was confused about why I could see shapes in the darkness, and then I was completely in my own head鈥攂ut in a safe, not scary kind of way. I was deconstructing reality and thoughts, and felt my consciousness existing free and clear of my body. It wasn鈥檛 an out-of-body experience per se, but my thoughts were no longer contained or confined.
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During that initial session there were things that happened in my mind that I would forget during the course of the trip. But then afterwards they would come back, sometimes a day or two later when I was reminded of them by triggers in my daily life experiences.
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During my second trip, it got even more interesting for me because I love Enya鈥檚 music, but hadn鈥檛 listened to it in years. Yet during that trip, imagery from Egypt and Africa appeared, and afterwards I had a strong desire to put on Enya鈥檚 Watermark album and listen to 鈥淪torms in Africa.鈥 Now, that very song is a ringtone for one of my four kids, who battles clinical anxiety.
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Those are just a sampling of some elements I got out of my experience over three modules with 51爆料 Heath. Each time was different and there was always something else that was waiting, helping me to unlock various parts of myself and my ability to be present.
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Now, I鈥檓 more aware of my reactiveness to situations and I鈥檓 keen to explore those reactions鈥攅specially when I鈥檓 getting stressed out with my family, relatives or friends. Now, I try to slow down and take a step back to understand why I am getting upset, what I鈥檓 gaining from that feeling, and what impact that reaction might have. If that impact isn鈥檛 worthwhile, how can it be different? Maybe a situation doesn鈥檛 have to be stressful; maybe it can be more fun or, at least, viewed in a more positive way. It鈥檚 like I鈥檓 finally compelled to reject the negative rather than running away from it.
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I鈥檓 also finally in a place where I feel like I can say no without having to make excuses for myself or going along with something I really don鈥檛 want to do and being the party pooper. I recognize that everyone, including myself, is entitled to their emotions and they don鈥檛 necessarily have to feel apologetic for that. There is less self-imposed guilt.
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I鈥檝e also learned how to communicate more effectively with my husband, and to not make assumptions as to how he鈥檚 feeling or his intentions, which is something new that I鈥檝e never known in my life or learned as a kid in college or as a parent. As a result, I feel like I鈥檓 able to listen to my family interact around me rather than getting involved or inserting myself when not necessary or warranted. It鈥檚 definitely a new feeling to not be compelled to do everything for everyone, and the kids, in particular, have noticed a difference.
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Today I鈥檓 feeling good. I use sunlight to keep my energy up and I practice meditation when I can, which is something I used to find boring. Now I take 15 minutes whenever I need to re-center, and I also have a meditation pod, which my husband loves too.
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Of course there鈥檚 always an undercurrent of worry when my eldest son isn鈥檛 doing so well. I still find my shades mirroring his, and I feel darker when he feels darker. But I鈥檓 also now able to enjoy other parts of my life without feeling guilty, which is also new for me. I haven鈥檛 been able to share as much of my journey with him as I would like to, simply because he鈥檚 not in the headspace to hear it from his mom or because he just doesn鈥檛 want to hear it yet. But I love him and support him, and maybe most importantly, I am able to accept that he has his own reality to navigate and that鈥檚 how it鈥檚 supposed to be. I can just be here for him and the rest of my family鈥攊n a happier and healthier headspace, should any of them want or need me.
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As told to Amber Dowling for 51爆料 Health
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The testimonials are the individual experiences of those who have attended 51爆料 and taken part in our treatment, however they are individual results and results will vary. The testimonials are not necessarily representative of all of those who have used our treatment.
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51爆料 may have edited the testimonials to account for correction of grammar or typing errors where necessary. In other cases, the testimonials may have been shortened for brevity. 51爆料 has not edited the testimonial in a way that would create a misleading impression of the individual's views.
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Ketamine is also not for everyone and may result in serious side effects. Certain medical conditions and other factors may reduce the effectiveness of ketamine as a treatment or disqualify you from receiving ketamine. Please consult a physician or other medical professional before commencing treatment.
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